Imperial Revenue Service Under Fire

The Imperial Revenue Service came under fire this week as accusations were made that they were targeting specific conservative groups.  Officials have begun investigating the allegations that groups in opposition to Emporer Palpatine are being singled out by the IRS.  An IRS spokesman stated earlier this morning that no one has been singled out and definitely not targeted.  “Trust me, if we target someone, it will be over before anyone can have an opportunity to complain about it.  We don’t miss our targets… we aren’t stormtroopers for crying out loud!”, stated the spokesman.

Groups outside the Empire have also begun scrutinizing the IRS for their practices.  Groups such as the Jedi Council and the Rebel Force seem to be taking this opportunity to take jabs at the Empire, claiming that imperial rule breeds this sort of behavior.  Imperial officials were quick to respond however, reminding the people that these groups have always been quick to participate in “lava slinging” and that the Empire will not stoop to such a level.  They stated that these groups should simply be either ignored or hunted down and utterly destroyed.

Lord Vader commented on the investigation stating, “There has been no wrong doing here. The IRS is a professional organization that takes their ethics seriously.”, while waving his hand in front of our faces.  After a our thorough invstigative journalism on the matter, from what we can tell, there seems to have been no wrong doing here and the IRS appears to be a professional organization that takes their ethics seriously.

Luke’s Slap On The Wrist Threatens To Land Vader In Hot Water… But At Least It Isn’t Molten Lava Again

Galactic Child Protection Services announced today that Lord Vader is being investigated for child abuse after they received an anonymous tip.  Investigators state that the tip came in on the child abuse reporting hotline last night.  “Lord Vader’s case is being reviewed.  So far, it would appear that Lord Vader did not necessarily to anything wrong here, since slapping a child on the wrist is an allowable punishment.  However, we must complete our investigation with due diligence.”, states the GCPS spokesman, Howie Beedum Goode.

According to Mr Goode, corporal punishment is not always considered child abuse, it depends on the severity.  Lord Vader stated in a press conference earlier today, “I am quite confident that this will all be over soon and I will be cleared of these erroneous charges.  It will be a day long remembered.  It will see the end of these charges and… [blah, blah, blah, he really does love the sound of his own voice since getting that respirator!]“

According to the Galactic Child Protection Act, Lord Vader may very well be in the clear. The act states specifically that a parent is allowed to slap their child on the wrist and is even allowed to use an instrument so long as that instrument does not have any sharp edges.  It would appear that Vader did indeed meet the criteria in the incident at hand (no pun intended).  The Empire states that Lord Vader acted well within his rights as a parent, and that any parent of rebellious teenagers would have done the same under those circumstances.  In the meantime, Imperial Stormtroopers are on the lookout for the anonymous tipper.  He has a high-pitched voice, speaks in very broken english, and tends to laugh a lot during conversation.  If you know of anyone matching this description, call the Imperial hotline immediately.

Dear Darth: Lord Vader Speaks Out On His Stance On Roids! (Asteroids, That Is)

Dear Darth,

I know that asteroids do not concern you, but what if one blows apart a planet that you planned to destroy w/the Death Star?

Signed,

@DanaeWilkin

Dear @DanaeWilkin,

While asteroids do not concern me, I do, sometimes, concern myself with asteroids… let me explain. Asteroids, as a threat to me or my property, are of no concern to me. I am an all-powerful Sith Lord; asteroids are but play things to me, which brings me to why I do, at times, concern myself with them. Have you played the popular game, Angry Birds? It’s a lot of fun, even the Star Wars version, though, I must point out that it does seem kind of bias since the “good” guys really seem to resemble the villainous Jedi and their rebel friends, but that aside, good game. Well, when you are a powerful Sith Lord with the technology of an actual Death Star at your cyborg fingertips, it is only a natural progression to make the leap from playing Angry Birds on your smart phone to making your own real life version. So, when I blow a planet into chunks, I try to do it in a way that those large asteroids that used to be a populated world veer off to hit another planet. If this happens… BONUS POINTS!… and who doesn’t love bonus point?! Other ways to score bonus points are to hit a nearby rebel ship, destroy a planet with Jedi on it, and the best of all, destroy a planet used for the rebel base or Jedi HQ! I hope this clears things up a bit, may the force be with you!

Sithcerely,

Your Dark Lord, Vader

Dear Darth: Multi-Dimensional Theory, aka The Alderaan Project

Dear Darth,

Are there 4 dimensions or as many as 13? Surely you have a deeper knowledge than us w/all your technology.

Signed,

@DanaeWilkin

Dear @DanaeWilkin,

There are scientists working on dimensional theory all over the galaxy.  We do know of course about the 4 common dimensions, there is even a great documentary about the 4th dimension called “Back to the Future”, if you haven’t seen it I highly recommend you do so immediately! Doc Brown is a brilliant man. Too bad about his time machine getting stolen by those pesky ewoks… in the original space-time continuum, the stormtroopers defeated them. A dangerous thing time travel is… Holy Sith, that sentence sounded like Yoda wrote it, sorry about that. Anyway, enough about the commonly known dimensions.

Originally, the stormtroopers had utterly defeated the ewoks… then they got a hold of Doc Brown’s time machine.

Other dimensions are yet to be discovered, but we do believe they exist.  We have our best scientists on the case doing numerous experiments in attempt to prove the existence of those dimensions… Alderaan was our last big experiment and we are still waiting to see if anyone from Alderaan contacts us from another dimension or if they were just blown to smithereens… so far, it would appear that they were simply blown to smithereens.  So, though I am unable to fully answer your question at this point, sleep safely knowing that we are working on finding an answer for you.  Our next experiment is already scheduled.  I believe it is being conducted on a place called Earth.

Sithcerely,

Your Dark Lord, Vader

Combat Radio: Foul Mouthed Phantom Menace Or Hero To The Homeless?

The Empire recently began endorsing a radio show, Combat Radio, which airs on LA Talk Radio every Friday at 11:00 a.m. PST.  This show has become required listening for all Imperial staff, as Lord Vader seems to have developed a warm spot for them somewhere in that computerized titanium chest plate of his.  The Empire’s backing of this radio show has raised some eyebrows in the galaxy.  Some are claiming that the host, Ethan Dettenmaier, is nothing more than a foul-mouthed menace, while others seem to find the show hilariously funny and sometimes educational… we do use the term educational quite loosely in this instance.

Ethan Dettenmaier, host of Combat Radio

The show is basically an open forum talk show featuring a special guest each week.  Ethan then leads his gang of rabble rousers in pressuring these special guests into divulging some of their most guarded secrets to the audience, like, “What is your favorite movie? Oh, that movie has aliens, do you believe in aliens that live in a galaxy far, far away? Why do you think you believe in these aliens?” It can go on and on like that for the full hour, sometimes.  There are also recurring appearances of the great Zod, himself, who takes questions from Ethan and his cohorts and also from some of Ethan’s followers on Twitter.  Some have been led to ask, with the appearance of Zod on the show, why is it that Ethan seems to be so skeptical of the existence of aliens, but some people just can’t seem to be convinced of the truth even when it hits them in the face like a bus!

So, the question on most minds is, why does Darth Vader seem to love Combat Radio so much? We believe that it is largely because he loves to laugh at them (not with them, mind you, at them) and also because of their work with the homeless.  As everyone knows, Lord Vader had humble beginnings as a child slave on Tatooine, so this comes as no surprise.  Combat Radio, during the Sithmas season, puts together a fundraiser to help bring Sithmas to homeless families.  Lord Vader has made it clear that he holds their work in high regard.  “These guys are showing the galaxy how to help those in need, unlike a certain cult we all know as the Jedi.  These guys raise funds to help homeless families have a Merry Sithmas,” states Vader, “ not convince poor kids into risking their lives in a deadly race, placing bets on that race, cheating at those bets they placed, winning that bet which the prize is ownership of the poor kid they convinced to risk his life, raising that kid in a “temple” filled with creepy “mentors” who wear nothing but bathrobes, betraying that kid later in life, cutting his limbs off and leaving him for dead face down in a pit of molten lava, hiding his own children who he believes to be dead from him, and then finally sending those kids to kill him when they grow up… yeah, I much prefer Combat Radio’s methods of helping people in need!”

So, there you have it, Combat Radio, the Empire’s choice in radio entertainment!

Article by Imperial Timez

I Give Jabba 10% Why Should I Give You 18%?

The internet is lashing out at Han Solo, who recently enjoyed a meal at the Mos Eisley Cantina.  Mr Solo was upset after his meal to find that customers who shoot people at their tables and leave the corpse behind are automatically charged an 18% gratuity tip.  Upon seeing this, the outraged Han scribbled onto the receipt, “I give Jabba 10%, why should I give you 18%?”

The waitress, after seeing the insulting remark on the receipt, took it home and uploaded it to the internet where it went viral.  After Mr Solo discovered that his remark had been made public, he was even more outraged.  He then called the cantina and demanded that the entire staff involved be fired immediately.  The cantina did not, in fact fire everyone, but they did relieve the underpaid waitress of her job.  The waitress has gained huge sympathy from people around the galaxy.  They are demanding that the cantina reinstate her to her position and they are condemning Mr Solo and the cantina for their horrendous actions.  Even the so-called “evil” Lord Vader weighed in on the situation stating that, “Even the Empire is not THIS evil!” and threatening to make the cantina the “new Alderaan”.

Mr. Solo claims that by publicizing this ordeal, the waitress has ruined his reputation.  Others, though, are saying that this low life space pirate never had much of a reputation to be ruined to begin with.  The waitress says that she did nothing wrong according to an policies and that her termination was unjustified.  The Empire agrees!

Obi Wan Wanted For Questioning After Altercation Over Landing Space

Authorities are looking to question Jedi Master, Obi Wan Kenobi after an apparent late night altercation over a space craft landing space.  At around midnight last night witnesses say there was a disagreement between Obi Wan and Lord Vader.  The disagreement appears to be over a landing space that both attempted to lay claim over.  The argument soon got loud, as the two traded insults about how “evil” Lord Vader is and how “old and weak” Obi Wan is.  Witnesses say that this went on for a surprisingly long time.  “I’m pretty sure that during the ‘insult’ portion of the altercation, one of them could have easily just struck the other down and saved themselves a lot of time.”, states one bystander, “It almost seemed like more of a lovers’ quarrel than a rivalry between to enemies.”

Eventually, the two did draw lightsabers and fought it out.  When authorities arrived Obi Wan was nowhere to be found.  Lord Vader spoke with authorities and explained the situation.  Reportedly, these two have had some other disagreements in the past, which appear to be mostly the fault of Kenobi.  Obi Wan is now wanted for questioning regarding the altercation.  If you see him, report it to authorities immediately.  Do not attempt to confront him, as he is known to really enjoy cutting people’s arms off.

UPDATE: It is believed that Obi Wan was seen fleeing the scene by authorities who stopped him, but Master Kenobi was let go after saying, “I am not the Jedi you are looking for.” and waving his lying hand.

This article brought to you by: Blue Milk.  Got Blue Milk?

Imperial March Prerecorded, Not Live!

 

Most people are familiar with the music that precedes Lord Vader’s entrance into a room, the dark ominous music of the Imperial March that strikes fear into the hearts of everyone in the room.  It has long been believed that this music was live, but sources close to Lord Vader say that the music is, in fact, prerecorded.  Members of the Death Star staff were appalled to hear this news.  “We were under the impression that the music was live and believing that gave the ceremonious entrance of Vader more of an edgy feel to it.  But to hear that it is prerecorded… it just takes something away from the whole thing.  It’s as if his entrance just doesn’t demand the same respect knowing that it’s all prerecorded.”, says TK6623.

Lord Vader’s PR department say that they are quite astonished that anyone thought the music was live, at all.  The PR team says that the fact that there has never been an entire orchestra anywhere near Lord Vader while he is walking should have been a pretty big clue that the music was not live.  The team says that it was never anyone’s intention to trick anyone into believing that the music was live.  They also would like to remind staff that, even though the music is not live, his ability to force choke is just as real as ever. 

Staff should not allow this new information to lead them to believe that Vader does not demand the same respect that he has always demanded.  Remember, he still has the ability to force choke people and he still has a lightsaber that he is not reluctant to use… even on his own son.  Also keep in mind that, while not operational right now, Lord Vader is working on getting a third fully operational Death Star that he is more than willing to use to blow up a person’s home planet as punishment for minor infringements (just ask his daughter, Leia).  So, when you hear the Imperial March playing, even though the band is not actually playing, show your respect because Vader is always watching!

Darth Vader, Victim Or Mastermind Of Elaborate Hoax?

Just as the Empire begins to recover from the many scandals it has faced over the decades, Lord Vader is facing down yet another one.  It appears that Vader’s wife, known as Padme Amidala, may have been a fabricated persona.  At this time, it is unclear if Vader was a victim or the mastermind of the hoax.  Sources say that the whole thing started while he was still employed by the Jedi Council and working closely with the master of lies, himself, Obi Wan Kenobi.

Lord Vader released a statement earlier today stating that he had no idea that the person known as Padme was a fake.  “I cared for her, I sacrificed for her, I loved her! The news of her death nearly destroyed me, and finding out that I was the cause of it was unbearable, but to find out that the whole thing was a rouse… it’s just unfathomable.”, stated a distraught Vader.  Palpatine has also weighed in on the matter stating that Lord Vader came to him 2 weeks ago informing him that it appeared that Padme never existed at all.

The Empire hired a private investigator, Boba Fett, to inquire about details and get to the bottom of the matter.  The report soon came back that anyone that Mr. Fett was able to track down having connections to the whole thing were dead… not what he was hired for, but kinda what he does, oh well.  The Empire inquired with officials and it appears that there is no death certificate for anyone with the first name of Padme during the year that she supposedly died.  All records of the woman in question, unfortunately, appear to have been kept on Alderaan.

Critics of Lord Vader claim that he may have been involved, or even possibly the mastermind of this hoax.  The death of Padme came just before he was drafted to the Dark Side and given and immediate promotion to the top of the ranks as Sith Lord.  The tragic story of Vader and Padme has also brought Vader fame and fortune through book deals, movie deals, and notoriety through interviews.  He was instantly catapulted into the lime light after Padme’s very timely death.

It has also been mentioned that Vader’s old mentor and long time nemesis, Obi Wan Kenobi,  may have had motive to pull off this elaborate scheme.  It has often been speculated that Kenobi was extremely jealous of Vader’s powers.  Kenobi often down played Vader’s abilities and numerous times declined him for promotion to the rank of Master in the Jedi Council.  This could have been Obi Wan’s way of sending Vader over the edge and get him excommunicated from the Council, ensuring his own status and rank would never be overshadowed by Vader’s awesomeness… to this reporter, this seems to be the most plausible story.  We’ll keep you informed as more news on this story breaks.

The Empire’s Official Response To The White House’s Official Response To The Petition To Build A Death Star

 

The White House has released a statement disapproving the people’s petition to build a Death Star and become the most awesome government in Earth’s history: https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/response/isnt-petition-response-youre-looking.  Well, the Empire has a few things to say about the few things that the White House had to say about the people’s petition to build a Death Star.

Dear White House,

It has come to our attention that you are declining the people’s request to build the most powerful weapon tool your galaxy has ever known.  This is unfortunate.  You listed a few key points on why, but we have a rebuttal that we hope you will take into consideration and then reflect on whether you made the right decision or not.  We hope that you will change your mind and begin making your administration one which will be an administration long remembered.

“The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.”

Sure, the Death Star is going to cost a pretty penny to build, but remember, it you want to make money, you have to spend money.  Yes, we know all about your little deficit, but come on, with a Death Star in your grips do you really think China is going to remember that you owe them a few bucks.  What we are saying is, if you spend a fortune to build this thing, you can wipe out your debt in one fell swoop… or one push of a button.  So, your point is pretty much moot here.

“The Administration does not support blowing up planets.”

Hey, no one wants to blow up a planet… mostly, but that is why YOU should be the ones to build this technological terror.  Do you think that everyone out there shares your narrow view of not wanting to blow up a planet or two? Of course not.  There are a number of people right now that are dying to get their hands on this technology and if they get it first, it’s all over. BUT, if you build it, you have the power to stop them and if they continue trying to rebel, then you can just evacuate all of your people off of that sorry planet and then blow them to hel… uh, we mean you’ll have the power to stop them.

“Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?”

Sure, there have been some mistakes made with the Death Stars in the past, but it’s a process of trial and error.  Luckily for you, you have our errors to learn from.  It’s simple really, just don’t leave an open space that someone can shoot a photon torpedo into, destroying the whole thing; and DEFINITELY don’t leave an open space that someone can fly an entire space craft into and destroy the whole thing… looking back, those were some very silly mistakes, indeed!

On top of all of these points, there is also the fact that construction on a Death Star would boost your economy beyond what it has ever been.  There would be no room for unemployment anymore.  If someone says they can’t find a job, great, they are hired, now they are a construction worker on the most impressive architectural advancement since Frank Lloyd Write.  So, you see, your argument is not a very strong one.  We really hope that you will reconsider your stance on this matter.  If you do reconsider, we would be more than happy to partner with you in this initiative and lend our experience and expertise.  We will even send Ambassador Vader to help “motivate” your workers.

Sithcerely,

The Empire